Allan Sherman tekste - lyrics

A Waste Of Money lyrics
by Allan Sherman

I wanted to et
Some new girlfriends,
So I went and bought
A Mercedes Benz.
A waste of money!
Eight thousand bucks down the drain.

I thought the girl
Would get wild and reckless,
So I bought cultured pearls
And a diamond necklace.
A waste of money!
That cost me four thousand more.

They were returned,
I got no girls.
They repossessed
Both the car and pearls.

I styled my hair
Just like Cary Grants.
Bought a pair
Of those tight new pants.
A waste of money!
Household Finance took my pants.

The female gender,
I just don't get it.
Just when I'm out
Of both cash and credit
I found a honey!
And this is what's funny,
She don't need my money,
She works for Household Finance.

(To Tune Of 'A Taste Of Honey')

Beautiful Teamsters lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Beautiful Teamsters, please let me join.
Can't drive a truck, but I'm willing to loin.
Beautiful Teamsters, I love youse all.
That's why I'm standing by your union hall.

I would be proud to carry my load.
Help all the drivers stuck by the road.
Beautiful Teamsters, living by night.
Pass on the left side, but not on the right.

Wouldst you would take me, life would be sweet.
The I could eat where the truck drivers eat.
Beautiful Teamsters, I'll pay the dues.
Give me the news that I'm now one of youse.

Crossing state lines with no opposition,
Thanks to the Interstate Commoice Commission.
Driving through sleet and blizzard and shower.
Blocking each street at the peak of rush hour.

Tossing big boxes into the air,
'Specially the ones that say "Handle With Care."
Beautiful Teamsters, won't you take me,
Or I'll go back to practicing brain soigery

Dodgin' The Draft lyrics
by Allan Sherman

First you tell your draft board you're hooked on dope.
You don't need the army 'cause you've seen Bob Hope.
Walk around the floor kinda nice and loose.
Tell 'em your fiancee's name is Bruce.

When they ask about your schooling, then you say
That you studied under Cassius Clay.
Then put some lipstick on when you're photographed,
And that's what they call dodging the draft!

Then you show the captain a note from mom,
Stand there while he reads it and suck your thumb.
When he takes your family history, state with pride,
"Benedict Arnold was on my father's side."

He'll hand you an IQ test, just look at it with gloom,
Then fold it like an airplane and sail it 'cross the room.
If they believe you don't kow your fore from your aft,
That's what I call...shirking your military responsibiity.

Clump around the floor like your feet are flat.When they ask about your hearing, just say, "How's that?"
If the sergeant wants a cigarette, treat him right,
Set fire to your draft card, and offer him a light.

When you see the eyechart, dont worry at all.
Say, "I'll be glad to read it, just point me to the wall."
And if the draftboard acts in it's usual way,
You'll be what I call 1-A

Dodgin' The Draft lyrics
by Allan Sherman

First you tell your draft board you're hooked on dope.
You don't need the army 'cause you've seen Bob Hope.
Walk around the floor kinda nice and loose.
Tell 'em your fiancee's name is Bruce.

When they ask about your schooling, then you say
That you studied under Cassius Clay.
Then put some lipstick on when you're photographed,
And that's what they call dodging the draft!

Then you show the captain a note from mom,
Stand there while he reads it and suck your thumb.
When he takes your family history, state with pride,
"Benedict Arnold was on my father's side."

He'll hand you an IQ test, just look at it with gloom,
Then fold it like an airplane and sail it 'cross the room.
If they believe you don't kow your fore from your aft,
That's what I call...shirking your military responsibiity.

Clump around the floor like your feet are flat.When they ask about your hearing, just say, "How's that?"
If the sergeant wants a cigarette, treat him right,
Set fire to your draft card, and offer him a light.

When you see the eyechart, dont worry at all.
Say, "I'll be glad to read it, just point me to the wall."
And if the draftboard acts in it's usual way,
You'll be what I call 1-A

Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Last night I met a man from Mars, and he was very sad
He said, "Won't you help me find my girlfriend, please?"
So I asked him, "What does she look like?",
And the man from Mars said, she's

Eight foot two, solid blue,
Five transistors in each shoe,
Has anyone seen my gal?
Lucite nose, rust-proof toes,
And when her antenna glows,
She's the cutest Martian girl.

You know she promised me, recently,
She wouldn't stray,
But came the dawn, she was gone
Eighteen billion miles away.

Her steering wheel has sex appeal,
Her evening gown is stainless steel,
Has anybody seen my gal?
How I miss all the bliss
Of her sweet hydraulic kiss,
Has anybody seen my gal?
Lovely shape, custom built,
Squeeze her wrong and she says "tilt",
Has anybody seen my gal?

She does the cutest tricks,
With her six stereo ears.
When she walks by, spacemen cry,
'Specially when she shifts her gears.

If she's found, rush like mad,
Put her on a launching pad,
Down at Cape Canaveral,
And shoot my cutie,
My supersonic beauty,
Send me back my Martian gal.

Grow Mrs. Goldfarb lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Grow, Mrs. Goldfarb, fatter, fatter.
Pile more potatoes on your platter.
Listen to me, 'cause I'm your hubby.
I just adore you plump and chubby.
I got a letter from the state, Dear.
You're gonna need a license plate, Dear.
My little elephant joke come true.
Chew, Mrs. Goldfarb, chew!

There is so much more of you,
More to adore you,
'Cause you're not slender.
In your white dress you're a doll,
Big as the Taj Mahal,
In all its splendor.
When you're in gepartment stores,
Don't use the revolving doors,
You might get stuck, Dear.
When you use the telephone,
Go in the booth alone,
And lots of luck, Dear.

You had for breakfast: two pounds bacon,
Three dozen eggs, one coffee cake and
Then you had something really awful,
Four kippered herrings on a waffle.
Nine English muffins, one baked apple,
Boston cream pie, Philadelphia scrapple.
Seventeen bowls of Crispy Crunch.
Then you said, "What's for lunch?"

Sweetheart, you are giant size.
You are Lane Bryant size,
My darling Myrtle.
Last Thanksgiving I was thrilled.
You ate so much, you killed
Your living girdle.
Have another dozen shrimp,
My lovely little blimp.
Don't count a calorie.
I just received a stub.
I owe the Diner's Club
A whole years salary.

Eat, Mrs. Goldfarb, daily, nightly.
Eat, though your chair is bending slightly.
Love of my life, I'm glad I found you.
Each day I take a walk around you.
I can't forget when we got married.
Over the threshold I got carried.
No other bride would be so sweet.
Eat, Mrs. Goldfarb, Eat!

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh,
Here I am at Camp Grenada
Camp is very entertaining
and they say that we'll have fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivy
He developed poison ivy
You remember Leonard Skinner
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters
And the lake has alligators
And the head coach wants no sissies
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.

Now I don't want this should scare ya
But my bunkmate has malaria
You remember Jeffrey Hardy
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh muddah fadduh, take me home, I hate Grenada
Don't leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear.
Take me home, I promise I will not make noise or mess the house with
other boys, oh please don't make me stay, I've been here one whole day.

Dearest fadduh, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah?
Let me come home if ya miss me
I will even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it stopped hailing,
Guys are swimming, gals are sailing,
Playing baseball, gee that's better,
Muddah Fadduh kindly disregard this letter.

Here's To The Crabgrass lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Here's to the crabgrass,
Here's to the mortgage,
In fact here's to Suburbia.

Lay down your briefcase,
Far from therat race,
Where nothing can disturb ya.

Uncomplicated,
It's what we waited
For so long in this city.

Come let us go there,
Live like Thoreau there,
A life of sweet simplicity.

Did you set the thermostat?
No, I don't know where it's at.
Tuesday the Cub Scouts meet again.

Walk the dog and cut the grass,
Take the kids to dancing class,
Jim's Little League got beat again.

Can't keep a maid here,
No matter what they're paid here,
This place has bad publicity.

Why did we move here?
Don't you remember?
To live in sweet simplicity.

Here's to mosquitos,
Clam dip and Fritos,
To golf and bridge and scuba there.

Men wearing knee pants,
Women in Capri pants,
Discussing what's with Cuba there.

Each big appliance
Treats you with defiance,
Until it finally falls apart.

Call the repairman,
In a week he's there man,
To knock your kitchen walls apart.

Tommy's got a bloody nose,
Gotta fix the garden hose.
Book Of The Month Club came today.

Didn't read the last one yet.
Yes you did, but you forget.
Oh well, they're all the same today.

Here's Mrs. Ritter,
She's the baby sitter.
Tonight we're going joyously

Back to the city,
Where life is gay and witty,
Back to the noise there,
That everyone enjoys there.
Back to the crush there,
Hurry let us rush there,
Back to the rat race,
Don't forget your briefcase,
Back to the groove there,
Say why don't we move there.
Away from all of this
Sweet simplicity.

lve Days Of Christmas lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Note: "S" is Sherman, "C" is the chorus and "B" is both

S: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A Japanese transistor radio
C: On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: Green polka dot pajamas
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
S: It's a Nakashuma
C: On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio
S: It's the Mark 4 model - that's the one that's discontinued
C: On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A simulated alligator wallet
C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
green polka dot pajamas and a Japanese transistor radio
S: And it comes with a leatherette case with holes in it
so you can listen right through the case
C: On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be
C: A simulated alligator wallet, a calendar book with the name
of my insurance man, green polka dot pajamas and a
Japanese transistor radio
S: And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you can stick
in your ear and a thing on the other end you can't stick
anywhere because it's bent
C: On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A hammered aluminum nutcracker, and all that other stuff
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A pink satin pillow that said "San Diego" with fringe all around it
And all that other stuff
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: An indoor plastic birdbath
C: All that other stuff
S: And a Japanese transistor radio
C: On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A pair of teakwood showerclogs,
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
S: A chromium combination manicure, scissors and cigarette lighter
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
On the eleventh day of christmas my true love gave to me
S: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television
But not when you get it home
C: And a Japanese transistor radio
S: On the twelfth day of Christmas although it may seem strange
On the twelfth day of Christmas I'm going to exchange
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television
But not when you get it home
C: A chromium combination manicure, scissors and cigarette lighter
S: A pair of teakwood showerclogs
C: An indoor plastic birdbath
S: A pink satin pillow that said "San Diego" with fringe all around it
C: A hammered aluminum nutcracker
S: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be
C: A simulated alligator wallet
S: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka dot pajamas
B: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RADIO
S: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

The Twelve Gifts Of Christmas lyrics
by Allan Sherman

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A Japanese transistor radio.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's a Nakashuma.)

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.)

On the fourth day Of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it comes in a leatherette case with holes in it, so you can listen right through the case.)

On the fifth fay of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A statue of a naked lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book wiuth the name of my insurance man,
Green polka-dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with thing on one end that you can stick right in your ear, and a thing on the other end that you can't stck anywhere, because it's bent)

On the sixth day of Christmas, my treue love gave to me
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese radio.

On the eight day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An indoor plastic birdbath,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio,

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when to see it on television, but not when you get it home,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

On the twelth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange,
On the twelth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home,
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
An indoor plastic birdbath,
A pink satin pillow that says San Diego, with fringe all around it,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
A statue of naked lady, with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man.
Green polka-dot pajaas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

The Rebel lyrics
by Allan Sherman

He stood four foot eight
And wore a beatnik beard,
He had big thick glasses
That looked real weird,
He weighed ninety-eight pounds,
But a whole nation feared
The Rebel!

He had a chick named Rhonda,
A college prize.
Her hair hung down
Over her eyes,
Kinda half Barbra Streisand
And half Joan Baez.
She dug the Rebel!

Well, they met one day
At a pop art bash,
Between a painting of a can
Of succotash
And a high camp sculpture
Of a pile of trash--
It was groovy!

Rhonda dug the Rebel,
And the Rebel dug Rhonda,
So she grabbed her guitar,
And rode off on his Honda
To a discotheque
Called the Anaconda
With the Rebel!

When the frugging was over
At the discotheque,
The Rebel was a-tryin'
To pay his check,
But his pockets they were empty
So he yelled, "Oh, heck!"
"Heck," said the Rebel.

Well, the Dean walked by
Just as that occurred.
He said, "You can get expelled
For what I just heard.
Don't you realize 'heck'
Is a four-letter word,
You Rebel?!"

But the Rebel said
To his old adversary,
"Just as long as that word's
In the slang dictionary,
I swear by Peter,
Paul & Mary,
I'll use it!"

"Furthermore," said the Rebel,
"I won't let the issue pass.
The whole student boby's gonna
Sin down en masse.
Besides, that way,
We don't have to go to class.
We're gonna clew it!"

Well, the sit-in started
'Bout 7:15
The whole thing was covered
by Time Magazine.
They even took Batman
Off the TV screen
To show the Rebel!

Out came the captain
Of the state police,
Arresting lots of students
For disturbing the peace,
Including his own son,
His daughter, and his neice,
And the Rebel.

Someone called the governor
To see what he could do.
The governor said, "Sorry,
But I cannot talk to you.
'Cause I'm a-sittin' in
At the state house too,
Just like the Rebel!"

Soon the secondary schools
Began to rebel.
Kindergarten kids were sitting
During show and tell.
Then the older generation
Started sitting down as well.
Man, what a protest!

Doctors sat, firemen sat,
Teachers wouldn't teach.
People sat at home
And on the street and on the beach
Jus a-sittin' and a-waitin'
For freedom of speach.
Nobody was talkin' to anybody!

The nation was in trouble,
There wasn't any doubt.
The President went on TV
To try to pull us out.
And the President shouted,
"What the heck's it all about?!"
"Heck," said the President!

Soon everyone was saying "heck"
They said it everywhere.
And the Rebel said to Rhonda,
"This is terribly unfair.
Being hip is getting middle class,
Let's you and I be square."
And the did, they squared it up.

Rhonda got a haircut,
The Rebel shaved his beard.
They were married and had children,
Which they subsequently reared.
They moved out to the suburbs
And they really disappeared.
Wow, did they conform!

Folks built a statue of the Rebel,
Just to prove the people's love.
But the public soon forgot it,
Just the pigeons up above
Seem to know the right location.
They've all found tht statue of
The Rebel

Smog Gets In Your Eyes lyrics
by Allan Sherman

They asked me through the years
Why I shed these tears.
I of course replied,
When you live in Van Nuys
Smog gets in your eyes.

I thought I played it wise,
So I closed my eyes.
But what do you suppose?
When both my eyes I close,
Smog gets up my nose.

I went to price
An anti-smog device
To put behind my car.
But all too quick,
The smog became too thick,
I could not find my car.

Ten million cars provide
Carbon monoxide.
If they'd all drive a horse,
There'd be no smog, of course,
But there'd be something worse
In your eyes!


(tune of 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes)

Second Hand Nose lyrics
by Allan Sherman

Mother Nature made me
Strictly second-rate.
Smart but not good looking,
What an awful fate.

Girls don't go for IQ.
Egghead ain't their style.
They don't say, "I like you."
They don't even smile.

Well, Mother Nature, I'll get back at you.
Tomorrow morning, here's what I will do:

I'm calling Dr. Max Rose,
That's who I chose.
He's gonna make me
A second-hand nose.

I went to his office once or twice and
All his patients looked like Barbra Streisand.

Then I'll get second-hand hair,
Second-hand teeth,
And contact lenses
In baby blue.

And elevator shoes, and then I'll melt girls' hearts.
They can't resist a man with interchangeable parts.

Girls will go nuts
Parked in my second-hand Stutz.
We'll sit there sniffing glue
On Second Avenue.

Pop Hates The Beatles lyrics
by Allan Sherman

My daughter needs a new phonograph.
She wore out all the needles.
Besides, I broke the old one in half.
I hate the Beatles.

She says they have a Liverpool beat.
She says they used to play there.
Four nice kids from offa the street.
Why didn't they stay there?

What is all the screaming about?
Fainting and swooning.
Sounds to me like their guitars
Could use a little tuning.

The boys are from the British Empire.
The British think they're keen.
If that is what the British desire,
God Save The Queen.

No daughter of mine can push me around.
In my home I'm the master.
But when the British come to town,
Gad, what a disaster.

Little girls in sneakers and jeans.
Destroyed the territory.
'Twas like some of the gorier scenes
From The West Side Story.

Of course my daughter had to go there.
The tickets are cheap, she hollers.
I was able to pick up a pair
For forty-seven dollars.

When the Beatles come on stage,
They scream and shriek and cheer them.
Now I know why they're such a rage,
It's impossibe to hear them.

Ringo is the one with the drum,
The others all play with him.
It shows you what a boy can become
Without a sense of rhythm.

There's Beatle book and T-shirts and rings,
And one thing and another.
To buy my daughter all of those things,
I had to sell her brother.

Back in 1776
We fought the British then, folks.
Parents of America,
It's time to do it again, folks.

When they come back, here's how we'll begin,
We'll throw 'em in Boston harbor.
But please, before we toss 'em all in,
Let's take 'em to a barber.


(tune of Pop Goes The Weasel)